The Introvert's Struggle with Parasociality

Most people who know me would be highly skeptical to hear me described as an introvert. It's certainly a label I never applied to myself until the past few years. I'm probably best considered as omnivert (ambivert?) as I have both intense needs to get the fuck away from every damn person on this planet as well as to get downtown and be a part of all that energy and movement and people doing people things. (This is also a good time to casually remind folks that I am a Gemini. Duality is just a built-in part of my personality.)

A few weeks ago, the reality of the part-time job I've taken on to pay for all that housework started to impact me. Not that the job is arduous or aggravating or anything negative. I like it just fine; I'm working with former colleagues; the work is just like riding a bike in terms of getting back to it after two years of not working; it's doing exactly what it says on the tin, etc. But it's still 25 hours a week that I'm used to having all for myself to do whatever I want or need to do with it. It's 25 hours a week that I have more direct social interactions than I typically have had the past two years.

My social battery took more of a beating than I thought it would, so much that I started to feel the weight of parasocial interactions. It's not that I have a legion of followers anywhere or a constant flurry of comments and reactions that I need to manage. Just the entire concept of putting parts of myself out into social media spheres felt overly taxing. Sure, I had a new job and a bum wrist that contributed to a natural down-tick in activity. But that pressure of all the possible eyeballs on my words or my photos or my art...it just overwhelmed me. 

I'd love to blame my ongoing inability to connect to Instagram on this, and maybe I'm onto something beyond wishful thinking. It's certainly something to ponder a bit further. Or maybe I just need to get cozy with the fact that every now and then I just want to disconnect from a lot of things. I have been working on disrupting very old and baked in habits of tailoring myself to the expectations of others. I think this occasional social media check-out vibe I get is probably a part of that work. But there's a real chicken & egg situation there: am I running away from the weight of perceived judgements and external pressures or am I realizing I'm in a rut of "please like me, this post was crafted just for your approval" and taking a step back from things to stop feeding that beast?

Ok, it could just be something as simple as charting the new ebb and flow of a previously pretty reliable social battery.